Anyway. Setting up my new phone and syncing it with all my stuff from my old phone took up the better part of last Wednesday night and the following morning. Downloading my apps, re-entering the passwords to use them, setting up email and voicemail, I dove in head first until it was exactly how I wanted it. I probably spent 2-3 hours on it when all was said and done.
Next I followed the instructions online to completely wipe my old phone so I could mail it in as a trade-in and get the $400 credit on my account. I did everything correctly and hit the final "reset" button and then clicked "yes" when asked if I was sure I wanted to permanently erase everything. Done.
And then I looked down at my lap and noticed my old iphone... not in my hands, but laying on the bed next to my knee. In my hands was my new phone. Newly erased of all the work I'd just completed.
DON'T BE LIKE ME. ME IS AN IDIOT.